No Joke

They ought to regulate the use of humor the way they do with other things that are dangerous to the general public when misused. I myself would gladly volunteer to serve as Secretary of Humor, as I already have a fairly well-developed set of guidelines which I would make mandatory for all Americans, be they at home or abroad. I want to stress that it is no concern of the government whether humor offends. After all, people are entitled to their free speech. There are, however, always potential consequences when that right is exercised.

The main interest of this office should and will be to ensure that any intended humor fulfills all that the concept entails. Simply put, Americans will be immediately and severely penalized for failing to be funny when such is their intent. I appreciate that there is considerable subjectivity where humor is concerned, but Americans may trust that, like Justice Potter Stewart, I know it when I see it. Undoubtedly when my general set of parameters comes out it will allay any fears.

It is regrettable that the internet has put so much power to disseminate humor into the hands of so many people plainly incapable of concocting anything funny or even identifying it when repeating the work of others. Good comedy was scarce enough when it could only be obtained via print, television, film and novelty music. Now with a reckless and bankrupt mass media having empowered the masses to speak up, hordes of unfunny people feel at liberty to insert what they imagine to be jokes any place where there is blessed blank space. Their reign of sub-mediocrity is soon to end, you may rest assured of that.

Ordinary offenders will face the punishment of having their comedic stylings answered with a scornful and highly sarcastic "Hi-larious", to be said in a very bored tone of voice. The most egregious sources of pedestrian, amateurish humor will be incarcerated and placed under intensive study, because their ineptitude is itself somewhat funny- not that they are to be encouraged in this. Remember, comedy is no laughing matter. For heaven's sake, think of the children.